Some of you appear to have problems understanding the whole “dairy” thing, I can help.

Let’s start with the basics. The cow is the female, the bull is the male. Cow = female, bull =male. Don’t confuse yourself with the male and female ends of electrical cords or hoses, which will only make things worse. I’m walking a fine line between a noble effort at educating the public or violating State Dairy Obscenity Laws.

Many people claim they already know the cow-bull thing. They once took a community college biology class so they like to impress everyone with their anatomical knowledge. This is fine if it is in the confines of a classroom with slides and graphs. But please! Please! Please, even if you have their help don’t climb into your local dairy farm’s corrals, start lifting tails, and start poking and prodding around. It will not end well.

Fortunately, you can become quite proficient at sorting the cows from the bulls while observing from a safe distance while enjoying a cool glass of milk if you know what to look for.

Allow me to elaborate.

The cow, the female, is a creature who likes routine. This is because she has several jobs to do each day. She has to go to the barn to be milked multiple times each day, she needs to line up to eat multiple times each day, find a place to rest, and stand around with several other females in the middle of the corral for no reason at all.

The bull, the male, can’t even spell routine. The fact is, the bull only cares about two things: 1. When do I eat? and 2. Is anybody in heat?

Certainly there are other differentiating traits of Cows and Bulls such as; who slurps at the water trough, who sorts through their feed, and who jumps at the chance to go to the saleyard. All of these subtle differences are helpful in sorting cows and bulls.

You can now identify bulls and cows from a safe distance and impress your community college friends and not get your Crocs dirty.

However, it is important to keep this in mind: None of these rules apply to other male-female types.

Never mind what my wife says.